Remember that one time I got married to somebody I barely knew? Yeah……………
Here’s the 411 on that…..
My ex-husband walked out of our shared apartment on March 1st, 2015. We were married for a little over a year and I can say outside of things I learned about myself during that time, I was miserable.
I remember my grandmother and family telling me to wait and me being annoyed with them for not respecting my decision.
For them not understanding that I was ready to move on to the next stage in my life. I was graduating from college, I was 23, and here was a man who wanted to marry me.
The day before we got married we got into a big argument our first argument ever actually and I just had this overwhelming feeling that was God telling me that we weren’t ready. That I shouldn’t marry him.
Grandma was like:
Friends was like:
My intuition was like:
But my pride couldn’t live with the “I told you so’s”
and besides I had already had a bachelorette party, everyone had already taken off work I would look crazy if I called it off now!
I had another opportunity to run away on the day of my wedding when my sorority sister pulled me aside. She asked me was I sure I wanted to do this
But in the back of mind I was screaming NO! SAVE ME, GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!
Based on the title of this blog you can tell I went forward with it anyway.
We got married in front of a few family and friends. I remember looking him right in the eye and he was smiling and crying. He looked so happy like there were no doubts this was what he wanted, I was what he wanted.
And I was crying on the inside, wanting everyone to stop looking at me.
Thats all I could think about…. How everyone was staring at us. Thats supposed to be one of the most important days of a womans life and all I could think about was:
I stumbled through my vows and left the courthouse a married woman.
The face of someone sooooo happy to be married. Sarcasm
The next couple of months I started to get a taste of the REAL him. The him that was terrible with money and Im a huge saver. The him that would barely defend me when his brother would attack me. The him that never had money for dates but always had money for gambling. The him that kept withdrawing tiny amounts from our savings so I wouldnt notice.
How it started at first:
How it escalated:
I started to feel trapped, stuck like I couldnt breathe. He was happy, he had someone to take care of him but no one was taking care of me. Waking up next to him was like waking up to an elephant standing on my chest.
I would cry and tell him how unhappy I was and he would promise to fix it. But the elephant just got heavier and heavier. I couldn’t stand to look at him, I wouldn’t let him touch me.
I just kept thinking what a terrible mistake I had made. The thing that killed me was how happy he was. He was happy and I was miserable and it just didnt make any sense to me.
“spend all yall money”
I didnt want to go against the commitment we made in front of God, and our family and friends, but I couldnt wake up and keep reliving the worst mistake I made ever.
What I thought would happen if I got a divorce, me:
I cared for him, but I did not love him, and since he had no plans on changing anything (if you think everything is great why would you change?) I knew I had to do what was best for me.
I told him I wanted a divorce.
He told me “for better or for worse“.
I was trapped.
To be continued…
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