Stop Asking Me When I’m Going to Get Pregnant!
“Gather round, gather round, family, friends, co-workers, etc. STOP ASKING ME WHEN IM GOING TO GET PREGNANT!”
Seriously, I know that you mean well but its insensitive af. See, I have endometriosis, and for those of you not familiar with the condition, its when your endometrium grows outside of your uterus.
Normal pretty shiny Uterus:
Uterus with endometriosis:
Being diagnosed with stage 3/4 endometriosis, as terrible as it is, was a relief. I always just “knew” something was wrong. Doctors, OBs, nurse practitioners, etc have misdiagnosed me more times than I can count. Irritable bowel syndrome, anxiety, my grief over losing my sister, all the while the endo was getting worse. Oddly enough they were all women practitioners. I finally found an OB that took me seriously and had a laparoscopy back in November 2017. The endometriosis was EVERYWHERE, my ovaries, my fallopian tubes, my uterus. Not to mention a cyst the size of a baseball on my left ovary and for added fun a polyp on the inside of my uterus.
Not my uterus*
So when am I having a baby? I dont know, maybe when my body stops freaking attacking itself? I struggle so hard watching my family, friends, and peers start families. Sometimes people in less than ideal situations which doesn’t help. Shitty relationships, finances not in order, not even mature enough to have a baby, etc! I’ve had to support two friends this past year through pregnancies they didnt even want. Im over it at this point.
To be clear, I’m not passing any judgment, do you, live your life however you see fit. This is to all my “its not your time” people. Which again, I know its said with the best intentions but fuck that. You don’t tell someone whose cancer has yet to go into remission “its just not their time”. You don’t because its just not that simple and I wish my disease would get the same consideration. Ive had to take birth control (which completely screwed my body up for about two months), have surgery, take a variety of different medications and injections, numerous testing, IUI’s, keeping a temperature chart, etc. Ive spent over $5,000 in the past year at various doctors offices trying to do what other women do for free.
I admit that when I got to the root of why I felt this sudden urge to be a mother it seemed to be fueled by the fact that most of my friends and peers are now mothers. Others were entering a new stage in life and leaving me behind. (Cue my mom asking me if all my friends jumped off of a bridge… you know how the rest goes).
As someone thats always considered myself a leader that was a tough revelation, but real. How cute would it be for all of our kids to grow up together and be friends?
Have a baby gang-gang and mob at Chuckie cheese every weekend. But the reality is they all have kids and, I dont.
Me when somebody at Chuckie Cheese asks where my kid is:
The second and obviously most pressing issue is my endometriosis. I’m 27 and in my PRIME baby-making years. Being at such an advanced stage now is only going to make getting pregnant even harder as I get older. Which is why I feel this sense of urgency. Im literally not getting any younger.
There is currently no cure for endometriosis. Doctors have yet to even understand what causes endometriosis. So here I am with a barely understood disease with no cure, great.
So Whats Next?
I have two degrees, a career, financially stable and in a great relationship, it just seems natural kids would be the next thing right? Am I tripping? I could easily put all this energy into something productive like my career or even this blog. I am obsessed with the one thing I may or may not be able to have. And thats the worst part about this entire process, never really knowing. I feel like I could function much better if I just KNEW. Good or bad just let me know so I can move on with my life! Sliding in God DM’s like:
We’ve had two people volunteer to be our surrogates if it ever got to that point (please never let it get to that point). I am so appreciative of the offer. I don’t take it lightly what a sacrifice it would be. One with literally no return other than making two other people very happy. Or maybe just one (my boyfriend) because I think I would die a little on the inside. Isnt that part of the entire experience? Carrying your baby from conception until birth? Your baby learning your heartbeat, your voice…. Oh how I long for that experience!
Im stuck in this infertility limbo where I have to accept motherhood, or at least motherhood in the way I envisioned may never happen for me. Well for us, because my current partner has to deal with this as well. How excited we both get when we talk about our kids in the future! A future he could actually have if he wasn’t with me. The constant guilt I feel about him getting stuck with a “Defective Debby” and missing out on biological kids when he doesn’t have to is another story. His body isnt the problem, mine is.
To be clear, I have the most loving and supportive boyfriend ever. He is down with surrogacy, adoption, fostering, fur babies, etc. I just dont think its fair for him to have to go without something he really wants because of me. Sigh.
So when am I having kids? Maybe never, its not like I have a say so either way.
Just stop asking okay?
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