What love isn’t
Part 2 of 2
“What are you going to do? Are you going to live in the dark, locked in here? Afraid to look out, answer the door, leave? Yes, he’s out there, and he’s clearly not going to leave you alone until one of three things happens: he hurts you and gets arrested, or he makes a mistake and gets arrested, or you stop him.”
― Rachel Caine,
Joseph went to jail for two weeks over this ticket that he had. I used some of the time to go hang out at my dads since it had been forever since I lasted visited. I had my own friends, a boyfriend, I thought I was grown. The same day he got released I came home from my dad’s house and we were at his house alone.
“So how was jail? Did you drop the soap?” I asked him laughing.
“Naw it was cool, I met some cool cats in there but I kept having these weird dreams.” He said
“Really? About what?” I asked.
“You,” he said, not giving any other details.
“Well it was a good dream I hope,” I said.
“Naw, you were cheating on me,” he said
“What happened?” I asked laughing not taking him seriously.
“I cant really remember,” he said seriously “but all I know is the dream felt so real, so I’m going to ask you and I want you to be honest. I swear I won’t get mad. Did you cheat on me while I was in jail?” he asked.
“No!” I quickly responded. “ You were in jail for all of two weeks who would I cheat on you with?” I asked perplexed.
We went back and forth for hours. Him accusing me of cheating based on a dream he had and me denying it trying to reassure him the only cheater out of the two of us was him.
“Look I’m just going to go home, you can hit me up when you’re not acting crazy,” I said getting up to get my stuff.
He stood in the doorway blocking my exit “you can leave after you tell me what happened,” he said.
“There’s nothing to tell!” I said starting to get irritated.
“Swear on the bible that you did not cheat on me,” he said picking up his bible off of his nightstand.
I put my hand on it, looked him in the eye and said: “I did not cheat on you”.
He stood there holding the bible for a second staring at me in disbelief for some reason.
“I really cant believe that you just lied on the bible like that,” he said in astonishment.
“OMG I’m not lying, I’m leaving!” I yelled grabbing my things again. Before I knew it he took the bible and started hitting me with it over and over.
“Just tell the truth you hoe,” he spat at me still hitting me with the bible.
I tried to run for the door but he blocked it again.
“Didn’t I say you weren’t fucking leaving until you told me the truth? You thought I was joking or some shit?” he asked bracing himself like he was going to hit me with the bible again.
I stood in the corner furthest away from him. Tears rolling down my cheeks, silently hoping that his mother or sister would hear us and intervene. But they didnt, I oftentimes wonder if they knew what was going on. If they did, they never did anything to stop it.
I begged and pleaded with him to be reasonable. Tried to explain that it was just his own insecurities that he was taking out on me but he didn’t want to hear it. He was really convinced his dream was telling the truth and I was the one lying. He literally refused to let me leave his house.
“Please just let me go home,” I said low through tears.
“Just tell me the truth and you can go!” he spat back at me.
“I didn’t do anything,” I stated for what seemed like the millionth time. I couldn’t believe I was being held captive over a dream. “Just let me out,” I started screaming going crazy.
He grabbed me from behind my neck and forced me down into the floor face first. He pushed my face into the floor and told me we would stay in that same position until I told him the truth.
“Andrea, just tell me, I promise we can fix it, I promise we can work it out,” he said to me.
“I was tired, I was hungry, my face was red from crying.”
“Ok,” I said. “Okay Ill tell you, I kissed this boy at my dad’s house,” I said blurting out the first thing that came to my mind. I hadn’t cheated on him but I wanted to go home.
“Okay, what else?” he asked letting me sit up.
“Nothing else,” I said, “that’s it, just a kiss.”
He slapped me, “I said what else! That wasn’t all that happened in my dream,” he said seriously.
“I gave him head,” I said lying.
“So you didn’t let him fuck you?” he yelled at me.
“Yes,” I responded. I was over it, I just wanted to go home and I would say whatever I needed to.
He started crying like dead ass started balling crying. “What else?” he asked me.
“Nothing else,” I said exhausted, annoyed that I had to lie but happy he was doing something other than hitting me. “Can I go to the bathroom please,?” I asked hoping that he would leave me alone now.
“Yeah,” he said with a smirk
I got up to go to the bathroom, while I was washing hands I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I had a black eye and a busted lip. My hair was matted to my head, my face was red and full of dry tears and snot. I cleaned my face up a bit and walked back into the room.
“It was two people in my dream, Andrea, please don’t make me beat this out of you,” he said picking up the bible again and closing the door back.
“Okay it was another person and I had sex with him too,” I said hoping that he got whatever he was wanting from this.
“Thank you for telling me the truth,” he said putting the bible back down.
“I knew you were a hoe,” he said getting angry again.
“Can I please go?” I asked again through tears. I had only had sex with one person and that was him. I couldn’t believe that a couple of months ago I was fighting over him when I should have just let her have him.
“Yeah you stupid bitch get your shit now,” he said rushing me. I guess I wasn’t moving fast enough (I had just spent hours getting hit with a bible) so he grabbed me by my hair and dragged me to the front door. He opened the door, tossed me out, and when I turned to grab my things he spits in my face. Like real life spit in my face!
I never felt more disrespected in my entire life than I did in that moment. I had just got my ass beat and spit on over a dream. I had had enough, for months I was getting abused in silence. I called my mom and asked her to come help me. I was so down bad I couldn’t even walk home I just went outside on the curb and cried.
I think of so many times in my life where my parents could have redeemed themselves by just showing up for me when it counted. When I called my dad he told me he would call me back. When I called my mom she told me not to go back over there. That was it. I had just been beaten, held hostage for almost two days and spit on and my dad told me he would call me back.
I had two parents, over nine siblings, and I have never felt more alone than that moment. I couldn’t expect a woman beater to empathize and I couldn’t expect someone who never even stopped her own abuse to help me. It was clear I was going to have to save myself.
To be continued……
Discussion: If you know someone who was in a DV situation or you yourself were in one, did you tell anybody what was happening to you? Did someone confide in you about their DV situation?
If you are a victim of domestic violence please seek help!
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