What love isn’t
Part 1 of 2
“Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out?
Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going to hit you?
Has he ever thrown an object that hit you or nearly did?
Has he ever held you down or grabbed you to restrain you?
Has he ever shoved, poked, or grabbed you?
Has he ever threatened to hurt you?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we can stop wondering whether he’ll ever be violent; he already has been.”
― Lundy Bancroft,
We met at a college fair at Eastern Michigan University. Up until that point, I was not interested in any of the guys that were at my school. I’m not sure what it is about him that attracted him to me or me to him. But nevertheless, I probably chose the worst person ever to take my virginity. Our relationship was great at first, but it gradually turned sour. I feel like after he took my virginity he became beyond controlling. Since I had no healthy relationship to base his actions off of at the time I thought it was completely normal. I was looking for love, I wasn’t getting it at home and I was determined to find it for myself. What I found was something entirely different.
The night I lost my virginity I was so scared. I wasn’t giving it up because I was ready. It was more so because I was dating someone older than me and I figured what he couldn’t get from me he would get from somebody else. It was very painful the first time and I couldn’t figure out what all the sex hype was about. It really didn’t feel like much any time after either. I honestly didn’t have sex that actually felt good until I had sex with someone else for the first time.
I was expecting the night to start with a carriage pulled by horses, flowers, and balloons. And when he got finished I was waiting for the fireworks to explode because after all a girl losing her virginity is a big deal right? Instead, I got told.
“Yeah all of that would’ve been cool, but with me, you can just shut up and watch the game,” he said watching some NBA team play.
That should’ve been my first sign to run but he took my virginity so I was locked in. Caught up in this “I need to be with my first love, the person who took my virginity, my high school sweetheart” fantasy. I thought we had the perfect relationship until I went through his phone out of boredom. I was young and dumb, I didn’t have any of those feelings of insecurity until I went through his phone that night. Shit hit me like a ton of bricks. Here I am thinking I’m in this fairytale but meanwhile, he got girls in rotation. The night I confronted him about it he slapped the shit out of me. Told me I was being insecure and those were just “friends”. So I let it go. If he hit me it was because I made him upset and because I was doing something wrong. At least that’s what I told myself to excuse his behavior.
Source: Dr. Phil
On a trip to the grocery store, one of his female friends called and he stated “yeah I’m at the store with my girlfriend” and the female proceeded to start screaming at him. I was okay with the conversation, he told her he was with me. There was no need to act crazy over him talking to a “friend” right? I asked him what her problem was and he stated she was just having relationship problems and called him for advice. I let it go.
Imagine my surprise when someone that I knew that went to his school called me to tell me he was the boyfriend that the girl was having relationship issues with! I was crushed, devastated. His phone had been cut off so I was communicating with him on his mom’s phone. I texted him:
But got no response. I packed up all of his belongings and told my mom I was going to the store so she let me use the car and I drove to his apartment. When I got outside his little sister was playing with some of the kids.
“Hey Zaria, where’s Joseph,” I asked her. She looked terrified and said he was in the apartment.
Confused, I asked her “whats wrong why are you looking like that?”
“He’s in the apartment, with another girl.” She said apprehensively. “Please don’t tell him I told you,” she pleaded.
I tried to keep my composure but my blood was boiling on the inside. I went to knock on the door, heart beating a mile a minute and guess who decides to text back at the same time he opens the door?
“So you not at home?” I asked him dumbfounded looking up from my phone and staring at him as he stood in the door. He wouldn’t open the door completely only cracked it.
“Oh, so you got another bitch in here? Nigga where my iPod at?” I asked him angrily.
The girl in the background started yelling “bitch I got your bitch, bitch”.
I instantly tried to run through the door to get to her but he slammed the door on my face. I was so angry I could spit fire. I called up my friend Marie and told her what was going on and she came over. My blood was boiling I was not leaving this complex until I beat her ass. Posted in my mom’s whip would you believe I waited outside in the parking lot for over four hours for this girl to come outside? And when she did would you believe she ran up on me with a knife?
“Put the knife down so I can show you who’s the bitch,” I said to her. “Talking all that shit but it took your ass four hours to come out and you had to do so with a knife weak ass bitch.” I spat.
She handed someone else the knife and we proceeded to fight. I hit her, she hits me, she swings and miss I start getting the better of her until some adult came out and started screaming at us to stop. So we did.
The next day I was right back at his house. The hype of the fight briefly clouded the reason I was fighting her to begin with and it was because he was cheating on me! Sadly, it wouldn’t be the last time. He made an account on facebook and used to piss me off posting and giving relationship advice when he was a cheater and woman beater. It makes no sense to me how some people get online and pretend to be people they aren’t. One night I was able to get on Facebook and change his password so I did. I would regret that. I was sleeping peacefully until I literally got snatched out of the bed.
“Andrea why the fuck cant I log into my Facebook?” he asked angrily.
“I don’t know,” I said half sleep
“Change my shit back right now,!” he yelled.
“Stop talking to bitches on there giving out advice like you’re Dr. Phil with your cheating ass,” I yelled back.
He slapped me. He slapped me so hard I fell into the closet.
When I stood back up he told me that he was going to take a shower and that I “better not leave” so I didn’t. But I should have……
To be continued….
Discussion: Have you ever known someone in a domestic violence relationship? Did you try to get them help? If so how?
If you are a victim of domestic violence please seek help!
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