James parents came into town early and were staying with us until the wedding. Much to my dismay, James mother insisted that we get married in a church. Despite my many objections and attempts of discouraging her by telling her she wouldn’t find anything last minute, she did.
I didn’t have to worry about getting cold feet now because surely I was going to be set on fire as soon as my sinning thot ass attempted to step foot in that church.
Everything was so overwhelming, it went from a simple wam, bam, thank you ma’am at the courthouse to a full fledge Jagged Edge lets get married video.
I was annoyed because I wanted to see Dre but James mother would not let up with adding all these “extras” to the wedding. We went to look at flowers, and a cake, and to do a registry. I was over it, but I appreciated her excitement for us. It seemed like everybody was more excited for us than we were.
James hadn’t really been talking to me as much as usual but I think he was just happy to be back around his parents. I had always admired that he came from a two-parent home with married parents. He was the oldest and the first to get married so this was a big deal to them. Just sucks that their prized firstborn ended up with a lemon as a fiance.
I kept waiting on my sign from God, and besides being nervous he hadn’t sent me anything that told me not to marry this man. So in less than 24 hours, I would be Rhea Johnson.
My Wedding Day
I managed to get into the church without bursting into flames. A part of me kind of wished I did. My nerves were killing me and my stomach was in knots. I don’t know how you’re supposed to feel on your wedding day but I would imagine dread would not be on the list. My mom, grandma, and cousin Rose helped me get dressed.
“You look so beautiful baby girl,” my mother said kissing me on the cheek. We’re going to go out and take our seats now,” motioning to my grandmother. I gave my grandma a kiss on the cheek as they left the room. It
It was almost show time.
“Okay baby cousin, this is it, this is your big day!” my cousin Rose exclaimed.
“I know,” I said kind of dryly. “Lets get this over with,” I said grabbing the door handle to leave.
“Wait a second,” Rose said to me pulling me back. “Before you go out there I have to ask,” she said making her face seriously. “Are you sure you REALLY want to do this? Because we can go right now.” she said seriously.
I started to think about all the people out there waiting for me to come out. My heart stopped and I ran to the trash can to throw up.
Was this my sign? My way out?
“What made you ask me that?” I asked out of curiosity. Hoping she gave me some mystical answer that would let me know if this was the right decision.
“Oh its something I ask everyone, last minute do or die check,” she said laughing.
“Im nervous,” I blurted out.
“Most brides usually are, totally normal, do you love him”? she asked.
“Yes” I responded.
“Does he treat you good?” she asked.
“Yes”, I stated again.
“Is he a man of God?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“Well come on and lets get you married!” she said excited.
She didnt ask the right questions.
If she had asked was I in love with him I would have said no. Yes, he treats me good but he can’t take care of me, as evidence of his gambling. That I didnt trust him to take care of me, I didn’t trust him to make decisions for the both of us. With him I was just content, with Dre I was happy.
I wanted to scream at her to get me out of there. But instead, I smiled and said “Ill be out in a second.”
She nodded and closed the door behind her.
I got on my knees to pray.
“Please God, please show me a sign,” I said. I sat and waited hoping a tornado or some other act of nature would come rip through the church.
I stood up to go get married.
I walked outside the door and my hands started to shake, and then my legs. I felt like I was going to collapse but I found my strength, and begin to walk down the aisle.
Every eye in the room was on me. All I kept thinking was “just put one foot in front of the other.” When I got to the altar and looked up this was what I saw.
This beautiful imperfect man willing to make an imperfect woman his wife. To have and to hold forever.
He looked up at me through his tears and smiled, this moment would have brought someone who was truly in love with him too tears. I felt like this moment was for someone else and not me, and that’s when I knew I couldn’t do it.
Here this man was, willing to do anything to make it work with me, crying in front of all of our family and friends trying to make me an honest woman. I could tell as I walked down the aisle I was the only thing he could see, no one else was there even though they were. And in that moment maybe I would have changed my mind but the only thing I could think of was how I wanted everybody to stop looking at me.
God didnt need to send me a sign for something that was obvious.
I already knew this wasn’t what I wanted I just wanted confirmation, a scape goat, someone or something to blame this sudden change of heart on. But my behavior was confirmation. The fact that the day before my wedding I wanted to find an excuse to leave my soon to be in-laws to go be with my side nigga. I did not want to be Mrs. Johnson, I was not ready to be a wife. Yet here I was at an altar in a white dress.
The ceremony was a blur, I was in the twilight zone. The officiant asking us to read our vows pulled me out of our daze. James went first
” I believe in you, the person you will grow to be and the couple we will be together.
With my whole heart, I take you as my wife, acknowledging and accepting your faults and strengths, as you do mine.
I promise to be faithful and supportive and to always make our family’s love and happiness my priority. I will be yours forever, in sickness and in health. You are my person—my love and my life, today and always.”
With every word, with every tear that dropped out of his eyes, it became harder for me to breathe. I felt like I did the day I passed out at the bridal store. I wanted to love him the way he loved me, I thought that I did. But it was never more apparent than in this moment right now that I did not feel for him the way he felt for me. Sure I could accept his open relationship offer and continue to do me, or hope and pray that whatever’s missing between us could be restored.
Or I could just walk away and let this man be with someone who needed the type of love he had to give because it wasn’t enough for me, he wasn’t enough for me.
“I cant do this.” I blurted out. “Im sorry, but I cant.”
Church was like:
Mom & Grandma was like:
My friends were Like:
His family was like:
I turned around and got out of there as fast as I could.
To be Continued…….
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